


Honey Lavender

by Goldenonyx



Category: South Park
Genre: Angst, M/M, based on the song Honey Lavender, i swear kyle isn't an asshole, someone hug Kenny please
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2019-10-05 09:34:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17322485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Goldenonyx/pseuds/Goldenonyx
Summary: Behind closed doors, Kenny has everything he's ever wanted, he has Kyle. Unfortunately for him, behind those doors is the only time he has Kyle, and it's slowly taking its toll.Based on the song Honey Lavender by Ieuan





	1. I don't wanna be your secret

_I don’t wanna be your secret_   
_Cause by the time I’m here you’re leaving_   
_You never wanna take the chance_   
_You got two left feet but you still know how to dance_

It was sophomore year when Kenny realized the feelings he had for Kyle weren’t all that platonic. He knew long ago that he was attracted to anyone no matter gender, but Kyle kind of surprised him. It made sense the more he thought about it; they had been friends practically forever, they had a history that was special to them. Sure, looking at it that way it could have been Stan or Cartman, he had a history with them too. It would never have been Cartman, even though he had gotten better over the years he was still an asshole. As kids Cartman considered the two of them best friends, but Kenny always felt that was more because he was the left over, Stan and Kyle were best friends so Cartman just got what was left. When it came to Stan, he and Kenny never really clicked like he did with the others. They were friends, they got along fine, but in their group of four he was just closer to the others. Kyle though, Kyle he connected with. He knew growing up he would never be his Super Best Friend like Stan was, but he still considered Kyle to be his best friend. Kenny could accept being second; second was better than last, which he typically was.

Throughout school Kenny and Kyle only got closer. Stan was often busy with football or Wendy, so Kenny found himself spending most afternoons and weekends sitting in Kyle’s room. He’d managed to worm his way into the Best Friend position, no longer losing to Stan. When the group was together things fell back into their old patterns, which at first didn’t bother him. He was the person Kyle called to rant to, the person he invited over after school. He was the person Kyle went to, not Stan, not Cartman, him, and if he was treated as a silver medalist when around other people than so be it, he knew that he had a gold medal behind closed doors.

When did his feelings change? Kenny didn’t know. When did wanting to be his best friend change into wanting something more? When he realized what his feelings were, he realized that maybe he had always felt that way. He always found himself drawn to the other boy, always had this urge to be by his side. What that meant, well, Kenny found it meaning something different now.

Sophomore year came and went, and Kenny kept his newly discovered feelings to himself. The only person he was close enough to actually talk to would have been Kyle, but obviously he wasn’t going to do that. He was pretty sure Karen knew before he did, but they never talked about it. He got a few knowing glances every time he went to go hang out with him, but that was the extent of it. He managed to keep up a normal façade, though sometimes he was caught staring too long or smiling to himself for no foreseeable reason. By the time summer hit he had survived without issue, but his feelings were only growing, and he knew it would only be so long before it took over.

The summer before junior year was lonely for Kenny. Stan had broken up with Wendy for the hundredth time and football didn’t start until August, so Stan and Kyle spent most of their time together. Kenny tagged along a few times, but he found himself passing more and more as time went on. He didn’t want things to go back to normal whenever someone else was around, he didn’t want to be pushed away in public like some dirty secret. He liked what they were in the confines of Kyle’s bedroom, thighs touching as they watched movies, Kenny’s head on Kyle’s should as he attempted to do homework. Outside the safety of the walls Kyle kept his distance, not to the point other’s noticed but to Kenny it screamed loud and clear. He hated it, hated how it made him feel. He decided he’d rather spend his time between jobs alone than dealing with that.

One afternoon Cartman had invited himself to hang out. Kenny honestly didn’t mind, he didn’t hate Cartman and his self-isolation was getting rather lonely. They went to McDonald’s and Kenny was instantly suspicious, Cartman bought him food without saying anything, not bringing attention to it at all. He went on about it like it was all normal, as if he constantly bought his friends lunch. Kenny didn’t say anything but gave him an odd look, which was promptly ignored.

“What’ve you been up to Kinny?” Cartman asked, shoving a handful of fried into his mouth.

“Working,” Kenny shrugged, taking a sip of his shake.

“Well you see Kinny, it looks to me like you’re running away from something, or someone perhaps,” he said, shoving more fries in and downing them with his coke. Kenny’s eye twitched slightly, and of course he noticed. “So you are running away,” he smirked, his eyes gaining that mischievous gleam. “But just what are you running from?”

“I’m just trying to make some money,” Kenny tried, but he knew it was futile. Cartman was on to him, and when Cartman wanted something he got it.

“Feel left out because you’re too poor to keep up? That’s never stopped you before. Is it Stan? Can’t hang out with him because he’s everything you aren’t?” he asked, his smile growing along with that glint in his eye. “Or Kahl, since he’s everything you want but can’t have?”

Kenny knew he had been caught, he knew that his secret wasn’t so secret anymore. Back in elementary school he would be worried if Cartman found out something about him, but now he was too tired to care. Eric Cartman was smart and cunning, he got the information he wanted and kept it. He would hold it over his head, but he’d never actually tell anyone. Kenny wouldn’t exactly call him trustworthy, but he knew that anything Cartman knew would stay between them.

“What you see in him I’ll never understand,” he complained, focusing back on the food in front of him. Kenny sat in silence, letting those last words replay in his mind over and over. What did he see in Kyle? He was smart, driven, he had goals that he did everything he could to achieve. He had big plans for the future, unlike Kenny who lived the day to day. He liked Kyle for no one reason, but for a variety of little reasons. The way his hair fell into his face when he studied, the serious look in his eyes when he played Mariokart. He liked Kyle because he was Kyle, simple as that.

“Do you really think you have a chance?” the other boy asked, his voice slightly distorted by the food in his mouth.

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly,” for a while I thought maybe, but now I just don’t know.”

“Competing with Stan?” Cartman asked, his stupid smirk back on his face.

“No, Stan will be back with Wendy by the time football starts again. And besides, Kyle’s not into him like that,” Kenny explained.

“But he’s into you?” Cartman quirked his eyebrow, questioning him.

“I thought, maybe. He’s different when it’s just us,” he admitted, cringing at how pathetic that sounded.

“Can’t have people seeing huh? That’s low even for him,” Cartman muttered. Kenny wasn’t entirely sure he was supposed to hear that or not, but he pretended not to. He tried not to think about that, about how Kyle acted so differently when it was just them. Kenny knew the reason, but instead he acted like he didn’t.

After that nobody really bothered Kenny to hang out. Cartman would invite him over every once in a while, but he never made him join them in group outings. Before he could get too lonely, Craig Tucker started working at the same grocery store. The two became friends between stocking produce and racing carts in the parking lot, and in no time at all Kenny had been adopted into the other boy’s friend group. As time went on Kenny spent almost all of his free time with Craig and those guys, and he felt better than he had in months. Occasionally he would get a text from Cartman, he’d even gotten a few from Stan, but nothing ever came from Kyle.

Kenny McCormick was ever the observer, so when Stan and Wendy got back together a week before football started, just like he said they would, he knew what else was coming. It was only a matter of time before the text came, and Kenny was out the door before he even finished reading it.

That last month before junior year was the best of Kenny’s life. By day he worked and hung out with his new friends, and by night he was with Kyle, his bedroom filled with whispered words and tender touches. It was everything he wanted, Kyle was everything he wanted, and he had it.

The start of junior year can and went, and yet again Kenny was right. The group sat together at lunch, but that was the only time they really saw each other. Kenny had a few classes with Stan and Cartman, but none with Kyle. After school they didn’t see much of each other; Stan had football, Kenny had work, Kyle spent his time studying, and Cartman did whatever the hell Cartman does. On game days they would go support Stan, the three of them cheering in the student section. Sometimes they would surprise Kenny at work, coming in on those slow nights to keep him company.

Kenny tried to catch Kyle’s eye whenever possible, but Kyle never matched him. Kyle was a big believer in eye contact, he was never the first one to break it. Except for with Kenny now apparently. Cartman noticed, his slanted glare burning into Kyle, anger clearly present. Stan noticed something, whether it was Kyle’s lack of contact or Cartman’s evil stare, Kenny didn’t know.

He didn’t understand any of it. He loved Kyle, always had, and he knew that Kyle felt something. He was thankful with the time he got to spend with the other boy, but by now other feelings were blossoming. Kenny wanted Kyle more than anything, but if it meant he could only have him is secret then he wasn’t sure it was worth it. He was worth more than that, he wasn’t someone who would sit back in the shadows, waiting for someone to let him go. Things were going to change, that’s the thought that kept Kenny going. Unfortunately for him, no one could have predicted the outcome, not even him.


	2. Indecisiveness got me feeling crazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenny has a lot of insecurities feat. Creek

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might be slightly ooc for Kenny but I'm happy with how this chapter turned out so I'm keeping it all.

_I don’t mean to rush you baby_   
_Indecisiveness got me feeling crazy_   
_And I don’t want any bad karma_   
_But when you gonna tell your momma_

“You need to talk to him,” Craig said one day as they stocked shelves. It wasn’t the first time they had had this conversation, with as close as the two had become over the past year the topic of Kenny and Kyle’s relationship had come up multiple times. After deciding he was worth more than the secrecy he was trapped in, Kenny had attempted to put his foot down. The key word here being attempted. When it came to Kyle, he was still stuck at the same crossroads he had found himself all those months ago. Does he just take what he can and be happy about it? Or does he just let it all go?

“And say what Craig? It’s a complicated situation for both of us.”

“Complicated or not, that’s no excuse for how he’s been treating you. It’s been two years Kenny, that’s a long time.”

He knew Craig was right. Junior year wasn’t much different from the year before, with Kyle seemingly avoiding Kenny in public but making a complete 180 in the privacy of his room. Kenny had planned on confronting him, he really had, but he just kept putting it off. Those moments when they were together Kenny put every issue he had on backburner, and whenever he had the courage to bring them up, Kyle was back to avoiding him.

If he was being honest, Kenny really didn’t know where Kyle was with any of this. For one, the only people who knew anything was happening between the two were them, Craig, and Cartman. As far as he knew, Kyle hadn’t told anyone, not even Stan, which just confused him even more. If Kyle was trying to work through things, normally the first thing he did was get Stan involved, using him to bounce ideas off of until he came to his own conclusions, but if Stan knew anything Kenny would have found out, and so far, nothing.

Was it a sexuality issue or a Kenny issue? Was it something else entirely? Kenny knew that all he had to do was ask, but he was scared of the answer. If it was a sexuality issue, he could understand the need to keep things on the down low. Coming out was different for everyone, and some people took longer than others, which was totally okay. Now, if it was a Kenny issue, well, he didn’t really want to consider what that meant. He did consider it, pretty consistently at that, it was something that always seeped into his mind at the most undesirable of times.

“You can’t keep doing this to yourself Kenny. Any answer is better than no answer, even if it’s not something you want to hear.” With that, Craig put the last of the cans onto the shelf and looked at his watch, sighing as he stood up.

“Look, this is our last summer before we graduate, you deserve to just have fun and be a stupid teenager. Talk to him, the longer you put it off the more you’re going to miss out on.” And with that, he left, leaving Kenny alone to his thoughts.

Honestly, he could try all he wanted to see things from Kyle’s perspective, but unless he actually asked, he wouldn’t know what that perspective even was. Kenny knew what it looked like to him, he knew what it looked like to Craig, and he could guess what it looked like to Cartman, but none of that knowledge would do him any good without the missing piece.

Craig hated seeing what this entire situation was doing to Kenny, and he made sure Kenny knew that. While he appreciated that his friend cared about him, Craig didn’t know Kyle like he did, so he wasn’t going to be able to take that into account. Cartman loved getting into with Kyle in general, so he would take whatever he could find to pin against him. It was true that Cartman had genuinely seemed upset about everything, but Kenny wouldn’t put it past him to use it all in the future. Kenny’s own thoughts on the matter were just jumbled, constantly overthinking and pushing blame onto himself.

How easy it would be to just ask Kyle what they were doing, what it all meant. What were his feelings? Kyle would be honest with him, all he had to do was ask, he just never did.

A war waged on within his mind. He had a logical next step that would no doubt make everything better, but logic just wouldn’t work for him right now. All the thoughts that swarmed around his head prevented him from saying anything, and what had started out as whispers had morphed into full-fledged screams. It always came back to him, it always did. The world didn’t want him to be happy, and it would do whatever it could to make sure he wasn’t.

He wasn’t good enough; he never would be. He and Kyle were just too far apart, going different directions in life. How their paths ever crossed, Kenny was sure it was a mistake. Someone so smart and wonderful had no reason to give someone like him a second glance, let alone anything more. It was pity that kept him around for so long, why else would he have stuck around all these years? Kenny knew he was being ridiculous; he knew Kyle would never think any of those things. Kyle never cared about their difference in economic status, he stuck around because he wanted to, if he didn’t then he wouldn’t, that’s just how he worked.

Kenny knew all of this, he had for years at this point, but he couldn’t bring himself to do anything. He knew he needed to talk to Kyle. He knew that time was running out. He knew.

He knew.

So why?

Why couldn’t he do anything?

It wasn’t until a few weeks later that the ball started rolling. It was a normal Thursday evening, sitting in Tweak Bros with Craig as Tweek finished the last of his shift. This summer had made it difficult to find time when all three boys had time off, so they made time where they could. Kenny had come to appreciate Tweek, he had mellowed out over the years, and though he still had an occasional twitch or stutter, but it wasn’t as noticeable as it had once been.

As they sat in the corner, the clock ticking closer to the new hour, the topic of Kyle came up once again, as it always seemed to whenever Craig was around. It was a simple statement, with a seemingly simple answer, yet it set Craig off in a way Kenny hadn’t seen since elementary school.

“You haven’t said anything,” was all he said, studying Kenny in a way that seemed to get so many answers without trying all that hard. The response wasn’t even verbal, it was the way Kenny dropped eye contact that confirmed it. The two sat in silence, Tweek still at the counter cleaning the last of the equipment, too preoccupied to notice the tense atmosphere across the store. It wasn’t until he heard the opposing chair screech back that he looked up again, eyes just grazing the back of a fuming Craig as he walked out the door, leaving himself and Tweek alone in the now closed coffee shop.

“He’s mad at me,” Kenny explained, putting his head down against the cool table. Tweek didn’t respond, his foot steps indicating his approach until Kenny felt his presence next to him. For a while the two just sat in silence, not nearly as tense as it had been with Craig, but he knew the questions that loomed within it.

“Is it about Kyle?” he asked, and Kenny just sighed as he finally sat up. Though he’d never explicitly told Tweek anything, he knew the other boy wasn’t stupid. They had come to know each other pretty well over the past year, so naturally he would pick up on things without being told.

“Yeah, it is,” he replied simply. No need to try and brush it off or lie, he trusted Tweek and he really was in no mood to deal with any of that right now. He was tired, may as well come clean to everything, might even do him some good. “Craig is upset because I haven’t talked to Kyle about everything yet.”

“Why not?”

Leave it to Tweek to throw him off his game. It was a simple question, one that he had some form of an answer to, yet nobody had bothered to ask him. And here Tweek was, asking the exact question Kenny needed to be asked, a look of curiosity on his face rather than accusation. If he was going to voice all his insecurities to anyone, he was glad it was Tweek.

“I’m scared. I can’t get over all the what ifs, even though I know they aren’t logical. Even though I know he won’t reject me, what if he does? I know that he’s never cared about our different statuses, but what if it’s suddenly an issue? The longer I put off talking to him, the worse my thoughts get, and I know none of it makes sense, I get that, but it doesn’t change anything. I just, I can’t do it. I’m a coward.”

“No. You’re a lot of things Kenny, but you aren’t a coward. Those thoughts, of not being good enough, of fighting with logic, everybody has those to an extent. After Craig and I got together, I couldn’t get them to leave me alone. What if this was a mistake? What if Craig is only doing this because he was forced into it, not because he actually liked me? What if he did like me, but changed his mind? What if I wasn’t what he wanted? What if I wasn’t good enough? Craig had similar thoughts, but mine were much more extreme. It was him who helped me through it all, and eventually they faded. They come back sometimes, I won’t lie, but I’m confident in my relationship, so it doesn’t have the same affect. Kyle is probably having similar thoughts and he just doesn’t know what to do about it. Until one of you is able to make that first leap, you’re both going to be stuck in limbo. You are more than capable of taking that step Kenny, and Craig knows that, he’s just upset because you don’t give yourself enough credit. You never have.”

As he let that sink in, Kenny realized he had been looking at this all wrong. Tweek was right, Kyle was probably in the same spot Kenny was, he just didn’t know how to deal with it. Kenny knew Kyle, he knew him better than he knew himself. Kyle would never knowingly hurt him, so he likely wasn’t aware it had been happening at all. Communication had always been great between them, they were never ones to hold things back from each other before, so why should this be any different. Kenny stood up, determination on his face as he made his way to the door.

He was going to talk to Kyle, and he was going to do it now.


End file.
